1259 - HIPPO

She felt sure that when she came to this part of the safari it would be quite noisy. But in fact it was generally serene with only the occasional snort to disturb the peace. Widow Mabel had inherited several thousand millions when her husband died and was enjoying spending it on herself. On this trip she was hiring guides to take her (and no one else) to see different African wild animals in their natural habitat. Today it was the turn of the hippo herd to be the object of her gaze. They were in the muddy water and only at dusk did they head off to graze until dawn.

The hippo spent all day bathing in the water

1258 - CHOCK

Brandon was a noisy eater - he would always chomp on his food with bits of food spraying out in all directions. His wife, Melissa, was so embarrassed on many an occasion. Their good friends had invited them round for dinner. In the kitchen was the chook all ready to go into the oven, but there was also a bowl of crisps ready to take into the lounge. Brandon couldn't help himself and he started chomping on the crisps. Their host had to surreptitiously brush off the crisp bits before putting the chicken in the oven. Brandon couldn't stop himself eating the pre-dinner nibbles and by the time the roast chook etc was served, he felt chock-a-block and could only eat a little of the wonderful meal.

The roast chook looked wonderful, but Brandon was too full to enjoy much of it

1257 - SLANG

"Come on BiLly - leAve that 'cos it's time to go!", called out Mum. Pause. "Oh, come along - we're leaving now". Billy banged the laptop lid down and shut his door with a clang. As Billy got in the car, he was muttering "What a noodle" and looking grumpy. "Don't you use your slang words on me", snapped his Mum. Not a lot of conversation occurred after that and Billy got out of the car still grumpy and without saying thanks for the lift. His Mum's day hadn't got off to a good start!

Billy was often grumpy

1256 - WITCH X/6

The gathering was getting noisy as more of them assembled. It was pitch dark and more than one of them stumbled getting to their seats. On one side of the stage was a bitch crouched in the ditch and on the other side was a cage with a fitch in it, pacing up and down. Then it quietened down - they felt tonight was fated to be a great evening. But then the spotlight caught this titch of a woman all dressed up as a witch on stage, accompanied by spooky music, stage fog and the bark of the bitch and the howl of the fitch. Spines were ashiver, had they done the right thing coming here? Then off came the mask and hat and the comedienne started her routine. Everyone was roaring with laughter and relief!

The comedienne

1255 - BROWN

ClaRk went to his local for a quiet pint and a chat with his mates. But tonight the place was awfully rowdy; there were loads of unfamiliar faces there. So Clark headed across the road to the Crown and Garter and ordered a brown ale. It was much quieter there and he thought he should go there more often.

Newcastle Brown Ale

1254 - TWIST

The general was now very old and lived in a nursing home. As he sat in his chair, he would often nod off into dreamland. The staff and other residents were quite used to him giving his men orders - "advance", "retreat", "cut them off on the East", "artillery, time for another stonk". One day one of the other residents had an idea for an unusual twist on these utterances. She set up a gambling group to see who would guess what the general would blurt out nearest to 11am each day.

The general

1252 - JELLY

Jasper was working hard that night serving food and drink and colLEcting empties. As usual, he was keeping his eye out on the girls, but doing the job made it tricky. At first it was the gorgeous smell that took him out of his work orientation. And then he saw her - she had to be the belle of the evening, if not the month. He asked the DJ to put on a suitable track and asked him to give it some welly. He made his way towards her, but as he drew close, his legs turned to jelly and he had to return to the serving area in a hurry to recover. And then the dream disappeared like a burst bubble as he saw her kissing her 2m-tall hunky partner.

The hunk and the belle

1251 - PEARL

The afternoon had been LAcEd with difficulties and she was despaRate to just switch off and relax. But then she heard her name once again - "Pearl, the toilet is blocked again". "Why do they always come to me?", she thought as she put on a smile and went to investigate.

Pearl at work on the blocked toilet

1250 - SPINE

ThEy were playing Shove Ha'penny in the pub. The score was evens and many friends were watching on. At the critical point there was a power cut and the collective groan was almost deafening! Fortunately someone had a powerful torch which he shone on the board, allowing the game to continue. Concurrently, Albert sat in a far corner reading a book. When the power cut occurred his book had been knocked to the floor. It was a while before he relocated it. He waited until the power was restored then checked it all over - the covers, the corners and the spine to make sure there was no damage (it was a valuable book). Once he was satisfied, he could get back to his reading.

Albert reading his valuable book

1249 - NICHE

"I'll gEt evens with you wench!", exclaimed Dylan as she walked away with his money and Dylan nursed his wounds. But he never saw her again and his threat was just talk. Instead he threw himself into his start-up business and managed to carve out a niche in the marketplace that others hadn't noticed.

Dylan working on his niche start-up business

1248 - GOING

"Oh, you kids are getting noisy. Outside you go!" There was no arguing with Mum from statements like this. Jesse got on the trampoline and Kylie went boing, boing, boing on the space hopper. Mum had some peace for a bit until it was time to go to her parents for Sunday lunch. "Ok kids", called Mum, "it's time we got going". "Aargh, can't we stay out here for a bit longer", chorused the kids, but the plea fell on deaf ears!

Kylie on the space hopper

1248 - FRAIL

LARry was getting frail with old age.

Larry

1247 - TALLY

It was a Lonely life AT the moment. These business trips to places where he knew no one were wearing him down. Yet again he set off to find something to eat at dinner time. Tonight it was a balti he settled on followed by cheese and biscuits. To his surprise, the cheeses were rather good and included Stilton, Edam and Port Salut. After enjoying his cheeses, he called the waiter for the tally so he could settle up as he was leaving the next day. The pleasant meal meant he went to bed feeling less gloomy.

Port Salut cheese

1246 - VISOR

English was having to escape fRom the baddies. He managed to get inside a suit of armour, helped by Bough - it was pretty noisy, but by the time the baddies got there it was all quiet. English was about to apprehend the master criminal when his visor dropped and he lost his footing.

English and Bough

1245 - TACKY

As she came inTo the kitchen, there was a taint of decay in the air and the tabby cat shot out of the cat flap. "Now what's she brought in!", she groaned. After she'd found the decaying mouse and cleaned up, she felt quite tacky and went off for a shower.

The tabby and the decaying mouse

1244 - UVULA

DonaLd Trump wAs admiring the shoal of fish and other marine creatures swimming around in the White House aquarium. But he became aware that some gland or other in his mouth was feeling strange. "Oh no, not again. Last month it was the cilia roots in my ears that were giving me bother - that was worse than the bullet. I don't want another infection", he thought. He handed over to JD for a few days and headed to his villa to get better. His Doctor took a look and pronounced "There's an infection of your uvula which isn't serious. I'll get you a course of antibiotics which you must finish and which should sort it out. Take it easy for a few days".

Donald Trump

1243 - PRIMP

Constable BeRt opened the gift envelope. "Oh, I don't believe in that mumbo-jumbo", he remarked. So, despite the value of the gift, he decided to spurn the course of Chiro treatment. He and his colleague Bill set off on his beat and within a minute had had to apprehend a "person of interest" and frisk him. They found nothing except a very wet cloth in a plastic bag that smelled odd. PC Bert proceeded to wring out the cloth, much to the dismay of the apprehendee. "Are you going to make me privy to what was in the cloth?", PC Bert asked. "Fat chance mate", replied the apprehendee. Since there was nothing to hold him on, they let him go and proceeded on their beat. Bert waved to his brother who was getting his dingy ready to go sailing. After work, Bert set to to primp himself for his night out on the town.

Bert and Bill on duty

1242 - FLOWN

Mary was aLways having difficulty with her teenage children. She wanted to let them express themselves, but sometimes she felt she had to step in. Today she took one look at Lizzie as she came in for breakfast. "Oh, don't sully yourself with all that bling. I'm sure you could dress better than that." Then Ryan could be heard approaching the kitchen. The clomp, clomp of his footwear stopped all conversation. "What have you on your feet?", said Mum as Ryan came through the door. "Oh, it's all the trend these days", replied Ryan. Once Lizzie and Ryan had left for the day, Connor looked up from his cereal and remarked to Mary, "Don't be too alarmed, my dear, in only a few years they will have flown the nest and it won't be your responsibility anymore."

Lizzie

1241 - STOIC

Fraser wanTed to impress his girlfriend by doing a stunt. He clambered onto the children's play equipment and stood on top of the highest bar. His girlfriend was quite impressed, but Fraser wanted to go further. He then proceeded to stoop down and touch his shoes. All went well until it was time to get down from the bar whereupon Fraser slowly rolled forward and landed on the ground with a heavy thump. He stood all smiling and taking a stoic attitude to the pain in his back, ankle, arm and chest. His girlfriend was very impressed until Fraser tried to move whereupon he started limping and groaning. Their night out at A&E was not the romantic one they'd envisaged.

Fraser mid manoeuvre

1240 - INNER

ShE went oveR to her pet viper to make sure it had enough food and water for a few hours. The pet was playing with the rubber part of a windscreen wiper - one of its favourite toys. She then took her diver suit out of its cupboard and headed to the car, making sure the suit didn't get scagged on the brier bush. On the way to the beach the traffic had to halt because the town crier was making an announcement. It was not a long delay and was entertaining in its own right. She met up with her fellow divers and they set out to explore the inner part of the coral reef, collecting any litter they found there.

The town crier stops the traffic for a bizarre ceremony

1239 - SWELL

OLivEr wanted to impress Adelle. Oliver's Mum said - "You need some guile. Put on lots of male perfume and you'll smell irresistible". Oliver set out feeling swell but stopped in his tracks as he saw Adelle in the arms of his mate Gulliver.

Oliver's perfume

1238 - READY

Aziz and MackEnzie are mathematicians who, in 2014, set out to develop a new 'cake cutting algoRithm' that could work for any number of participants. The 'cake cutting algorithms' is the problem where two or more people or tribe need to share a cake or land in such a way that everyone is satisfied that they don't feel hard done by. It is a problem known since ancient times and is even described in Genesis where Abram divides the land with Lot - Abram divides, Lot chooses. Mathematicians in more recent times have developed a method for three parties but no more, unless you employ endless calculations by computer without knowing how long it would take. Aziz and Mackenzie were newcomers and spent two years before they were ready to publish their method which would solve the problem within a finite number of moves, although the number of moves is greater than the number of known atoms in the universe! [With thanks to The Mathematics of Cutting a Cake, October 2016]

The Mathematics of Cutting a Cake

1237 - EVENT

ThEy were having dinner. "I'll have to press on with my food so I'm ready on time", he said. "Well, don't forget to clean your teeth after dinner", she responded. "Why should I slow myself down doing that", he gasped. "Well, it's an important event you're off to and you want to present yourself as best as possible", she said in an authorative way. He was only just ready for the taxi in time.

He brushed his teeth in quite a hurry

1236 - TRULY

Every time she opened a LeTteR with the letter knife the budgerigar would give a trill. "Truly, you are the strangest of companions", she said to the budgie.

Her pet budgie

1235 - OCTET

ThE instruments were all muted so the music was not noisy. It suited the children in the autism day centre really well. The organiser booked the octet to come back another time.

The octet

1234 - VINYL

CyriL was in a really bad temper. Before storming out of the room, he set to to spoil the floor. He took the quill out of the ink pot and poured all the ink over the floor. However, his teacher was not too alarmed because she knew that the ink was water soluble and would make no permanent mark on the vinyl flooring.

The quill and inkpot

1233 - BLAZE

Arthur and ELsie were newly mArriEd and, being well off, having a holiday in Africa. Arthur was keen to do game hunting and today had taken the life of an eland. Elsie didn't approve and instead went hunting wild flowers, studying each sepal, petal, stamen and ovary. That night they dined on Arthur's catch which they found quite vealy. The next day Arthur returned from his hunting, hobbling along on crutches. "What's up?", ask Elsie. "I tripped over a log and hurt my ankle", replied Arthur. They dined on some more of Arthur's previous day's catch and enjoyed the blaze of the camp fire as the sky darkened and the night creatures could be heard.

Sitting round the camp fire

1232 - SNOOP

It was rarely noisy in Alicia's bedroom, especially when she was playing with her soft toys. Each toy would take it in turn to wear the snood and give directions to all the other toys who were always co-operative. At the end of each session she would always put the snood on her favourite toy - the snook. Occasionally her Mum would snoop on what she was up to, but it was always the same. "I just can't imagine her being any trouble at all", she would say to her friends who would nod knowingly. "Just you wait - trouble will come one day", they tended to say.

Alicia had lots of toys

1231 - SIXTH

When Thomas had passed his GCSEs, he went back to school to do further studies. But after a stint studying in the sixth form he was discouraged and realised it was not the sort of stuff he wanted to learn. After the first term he left and started at the local agricultural college.

Thomas at the agricultural college