1563 - CIVIL

They could aLl see the irony. For someone as obese as he was, having the role of lipid overseer did seem incongruous. But he was determined to see what he could do about his weight. He resigned his post and spent weeks on end keeping a vigil in the cathedral pondering. He ate nothing and drank only water. The cathedral staff were concerned, but he assured them he knew what he was doing. Eventually he left, holding up his trousers, and headed to Next to get a new wardrobe for the new man he'd become. He expected all his friends to make fun of his transformation, but they were all very civil and respected his transformation.

He lost a lot of weight

1562 - GOOEY

ThEre is an irony here where the CEO of the adhesive manufacturer finishes up with a gooey mess on his fine suit.

His fine suit had a gooey mess on it

1561 - FRITZ

The pickup lorry driver groaned as a call came in to rescue a stranded motorist. He donned his Hi-Viz waterproofs. It wasn't very nice weather outside. The pickup was only 8 miles away as the seagull flies, but the coastline was so convoluted that the distance he had to take was more like 30. To his horror he glanced at the fuel gauge to realise he wasn't going to make the whole journey. The irony hit him hard as he rounded the head of yet another frith and the gauge read empty. He pulled in to a layby before the engine would fritz. The phone signal in the region was so intermittent that he had to climb the steep hill to report his predicament. It would be a long night!

If only it was like this!

1560 - DALLY

CorporAL Simpson displayed his medals with pride being keen to tell anyone that asked how he'd won the best one for valor. But now that he was demobbed, he had to build a new life. Pride in his achievements wouldn't pay the supermarket bills. He discussed it with his wife. "Should I train as a plumber or an electrician, I can't decide." "Well, I expect you'll work it out - it wouldn't be like you to dally over a decision like that." A week later was his first electrician's training day.

His electrician's training was going well

1559 - DRAPE

The AftErnoon was drear. Even the ceramic flight of drake looked sad! There was nothing to be done but to pull the drape, light the fire and watch the telly.

The afternoon was quite drear

1558 - BLUNT

She wanted to sLice Through some carrots to make an attractive dish. She picked up the knife that had a lovely glint on it. But it was deceptive - the knife was quite blunt.

The blunt knife was no good for cutting up the carrots

1557 - MOUTH

The irony of the situation was not lost on him. Here he was, a newly qualified dentist, and here in the dentist's chair was his dental school tutor. Wearing a mask meant that his patient didn't recognise him. He'd better not botch this job, he told himself! It felt really weird asking his patient to open his mouth wide!

The dentist felt a heap of responsibility treating this patient

1556 - QUILL

At Last it was time for choir practice to end. Betsy could get out her lippy and apply a bit of bling before heading to town. When she got to the first drinking establishment, she was surprised to see the choir director already there with his pint of brown ale and with a quill in one hand and a music score stretched out in front of him. Betsy headed for the other bar!

Betsy was longing for the choir practice to end

1555 - COVEN

ThrEe boney women collapsed at the entrance to the nunnery. Very soon the door opened and a cheerful-looking nun welcomed them inside. "Welcome to our coven; you look like you need feeding up and some shelter."

The nun opened the door

1554 - DEFER

The bishop REached for his miter and picked up his 12" ruler! His assistant pointed out the problem and the bishop laughed and picked up his sceptre instead. "Not that way", my Lord, said his assistant, "that's where the messianic folk are celebrating their seder". "That's sheer nonsense", scoffed the bishop, "why don't they just stick to the regular church services." "Actually", my Lord, said his assistant, "I think you'll find that it was the seder that came first and that it was Jesus who celebrated it with his disciples." "And who are you to lecture me on these things - you're just my assistant.", retorted the bishop, building up to an ender to the conversation, "From now on I want no impertinent comments - just defer to me as your superior."

The bishop

1553 - LATER

"That apple crumble smells lovely - can I have some now Mummy", pleaded Tommy. "No son, later". "Awgh"

Apple crumble

1552 - KNIFE

LEn could be quite cruel sometimes. Today was one of those. He was belittling Gary with one snide remark after another. Gary was trying not to get wound up by this tirade, but Len just kept on. Eventually Gary cracked. He picked up a big knife and rushed towards Len. Just then Frank appeared and quickly assessed the situation. "Come on Gary, put the knife down before you do something you regret", he said in a gentle fashion. "And you, Len, clear off out of here, I could hear what you were up to - you should be ashamed of yourself." Order was restored.

Poor Gary had had enough

1551 - TEETH

She sTartEd the day by giving her teeth a good brushing. "Right, now I can face the world", she said as she left the bathroom, head held high.

She started the day by brushing her teeth

1550 - LEFTY

PLaying This piEce of music so slowly doesn't seem legit. I bet you that there are few rock pieces played at lento rhythm, and this isn't one of them. I bet this is a prank by some politcal looney lefty trying to make a point, though it's wasted on me.

The rock band were playing at an unexpected slow tempo

1549 - ALONG

The LAd slank up to his Dad with a pleading look on his face. Dad was busy, but the pleading angelic face made him stop what he was doing. "What's the trouble, son?", he asked. "Every time I ride my cycle it makes a clank sound", he replied. Dad glanced around then got down to investigate the problem. "There, that should be better. Now run along and play with your brothers before your Mum notices - I'm supposed to be busy here", commanded Dad. In fact Mum had been watching everything from the upstairs window. She smiled, being secretly proud of her husband for putting their son first.

Dad soon fixed his son's cycle

1548 - NOISY

Of all the passenger aeroplanes, Concorde was the most noisy.

Concorde

1547 - NADIR

AndRew held a mug of coffee whilst it cooled. The vapor was clearly visible. He didn't notice his speed as he drove past the policeman's radar trap. As the blue lights and wailing siren came up behind him, his heart sank to its first nadir of the day.

Andrew felt awful as he pulled over for the policeman

1546 - THROB

TeRry had been told by his wife to strim the lawn because it looked too scruffy. Poor Terry had no idea about strimmers, so he went to the garden shop to find out. "Can you tell me about the different strimmers you sell, please", he asked the sales assistant. "Certainly! It depends on where they'll be used. The most expensive ones are petrol powered and they'll tackle tough and big jobs. But if it's for use on a small - medium lawn, it's not worth going to the expense of the petrol ones and you should go for a cordless one. You could choose a well known brand that's likely to be reliable, or a cheap one...." Terry was starting to glaze over. "Stop! All these details are making my head throb", protested Terry. Terry came back the next day with his wife who chose the one she thought looked nicest!

Terry's wife picked the one she thought looked best

1545 - CHAIR

XAvieR was introduced to the sonar equipment. "Sit on this chair and monitor the screen as we take the boat out to the site of the wreck", commanded the captain. Xavier was about to protest that he didn't know what to look for, but he could tell the captain was in no mood for come-backs. He grabbed the manual and started reading fast!

Xavier hadn't a clue what he was looking at to begin with

1544 - POUTY

IT had been a long noisy day and Greg headed for home, grabbing some street food on the way. He set his alarm and climbed into bed where he had his hot toddy whilst he caught up with the _footy highlights. In the advert break there was a cure for gouty feet being promoted. The next advert showed a hassled, pouty woman staring at a box of unbranded dishwasher tablets followed by a smart young lady holding up a choice of boxes of tablets. By the time the adverts had finished, Greg was sound asleep.

Comparison of dishwasher tablets

1543 - TRICK

The Red vintage truck had been loaded. The trick now was to start the engine, which was not always plain sailing. Today was a good day and it started first time.

The vintage red truck

1542 - CHIRP

As the sun Rose, there was a noisy lorry outside which meant that she couldn't hear the chirp of a single bird. She was upset, but two minutes later the lorry drove off and the usual dawn birdsong resumed.

The lorry was annoying her, though it drove off quite soon

1541 - TENOR

The choir masTER was getting anxious; not one tenor had turned up for practice. Just then the door crashed open and two merry tenors stumbled in. The choir master wasn't sure if this was good news or not!

The two merry tenors

1540 - BULGE

Inspector LEstrade had locked up his last felon for the day and went to see Dr Watson for a health check. "Well, your pulse is a bit erratic, but your blood pressure is remarkably good for some in a stressful job like yours", commented Dr Watson. "What do you think this bulge on my neck is?", asked Lestrade. After checking it over, Dr Watson responded - "It's a Torticollis, or wry neck. It's not serious and should be cured by gentle stretching exercises".

Later that day, Lestrade was able to meet Dr Watson for some medical advice

1539 - DRIFT

IT had been a teRribly noisy day and as Chloe walked through the outbuildings a trick of the lighting catching the fritt on the shelves made her think that she was surrounded by colourful britt. She was beginning to wonder if someone had laced her drink with something. But just then Justin caught hold of her arm and gave her an affectionate kiss. He led her to the car and before long they were inside their own home where she could crash out on the settee and drift off to sleep whilst Justin prepared dinner.

She was asleep almost before she lay on the settee

1538 - BLEND

LEnny, the felon, gave the detective the slip and was able to blend in with the crowd.

Lenny was trying to escape from the pursuing detective

1537 - FETCH

ThE vessel was clearly not crewed by an experienced hand, given the noise that emanated when it made contact with the jetty. The captain alighted from the ketch and went to inspect the damage. He called out to one of the crew - "Fetch the hull repair kit; it needs repairing again".

The ketch was commanded by an inexperienced captain

1536 - MIGHT

The streets outside Frank's house were very noisy. Frank had always been a timid guy, so he planned to stay inside away from the kerfuffle. He picked up his self-help book and continued reading. This chapter was all about overcoming one's fears. "After reading that, I might go outside after all", thought Frank to himself, "and see if I can conquer these fears".

Reading his book finally convinced Frank to conquer his fears

1535 - LEAST

ALlAddin Took thE first bus that came along to see where that led him. He was perplexed at first when asked to pay his fare. But a quick rub of his lamp produced a suitable ticket from the machine, somewhat to the surprise of the driver! It took Aladdin a while to work out why the bus stopped at some places and not others to let people off and on, but he eventually realised it had to do with the bell buttons. As the bus was emptying, Aladdin thought he ought to get off too and find a wish recipient. He picked on the least likely person he found and started his routine of the three wishes. "Let me stop you right there," spoke up his audience, "I don't believe in granted wishes - they're sinister. I'm on my way", he said as he turned on his heel and walked swiftly away. Aladdin was speechless and, with a glum face, crossed the road to catch the bus back.

Alladdin wished he'd had the rest of the crew with him

1534 - PETAL

She was baffLled. The lovely vAse of flowers sTood on the tablE. But every time her husband walked past them a petal would become detached and fall onto the table or the floor. "What is it about you?", she remarked, as another petal fell. "Uh?", he said as he left the room. She picked up the marriage guidance catalogue once more and sighed.

Every time he walked by, another petal would fall off