590 - CRAVE (X)

Ant and ERic were best pals and were keen on trapping wild rabbits for dinner at the weekend. "Are you ready" asked Ant one night. "Oh bother", said Eric, "can you share with me - do you have another spare snare because the one I have might scare off the rabbits". "Sure thing", replied Ant. After a successful night they headed home for a meal of rabbit and chips. The other thing they liked doing together was bird watching. Their next trip resulted in them spotting a crane and they had this real craze to spot a crake which was fulfilled. "This is thirsty work - I crave a beer", said Eric, so they headed off to the Crake and Rabbit to slake their thirst.

589 - FISHY

Sean sat in the bar with hIS fellow trawlermen. As the waitress passed by he said to his mates "She looks a bit ~dishy". The waitress was used to this kind of banter. When she came to clear Sean's table later on she jested "Something is a bit fishy round here". Everyone had a good laugh.

588 - FLIRT

On a LaTe summeR evening the troll spoke soothingly to the fairy. The fairy replied in a trill voice, "Are you trying to flirt with me?" "Would I?", said the troll with a wink.

587 - WORRY

Mavis met her friend Elsie at their usual café for a cuppa and sweet treat. A notice at the counter announced a special offer: "AlteRnative Pies On Us". There were some experimental pies on offer containing courgette, turnip, radish and prawns topped with icing and hundreds & thousands. Mavis dithered, unsure of the contents, but the icing tipped the balance and she had one with her coffee. She found that the pie was quite yummy so went back for two more. Elsie said "Do you not worry that you'll put on too much weight eating all those pies?", she said. "At my weight, what's a couple of ounces or so more", replied Mavis with a wink.

586 - BEEFY

Arthur would oftEn check on his neighbour, Marvin, who was very geeky. Marvin was convinced he'd got a new theory of life, the universe and everything and got so engrossed in his investigations to come up with the proof that he would often skip meals for a day or two. In some respects he presented as a needy person despite being very intelligent. Of course his property was neglected and his back garden weedy. One day the neglect of his house resulted in it burning down and collapsing, destroying all his research. Alfie gave him a home and steered Marvin away from his geekiness including frequenting the gym 3 times a week. Before too long the skinny Marvin had become quite beefy and less socially inept.

585 - MAIZE

AngEla ate her salad of rocket and mache, cucumber, tomatoes and pine nuts with French dressing and then pondered what to do about her cache of jewellery. She wondered if hiding it in the narrow gauge railway carriage (now used as a shed in her garden) would be safe. Then the post came including a flier for a special offer on deposit boxes with a special code just for her to use. "Should I", she considered, "No I'll waive my right to that". Then she settled on her plan. In the dead of night she crept into the field of maize behind the house, dug a deep hole and buried her jewellery there.

584 - COUNT

Jake ThOUght he'd got hold of the expensive pen that had fallen on the floor behind the furniture. He carefully lifted it up when it fell out of his fingers. "Oh no, I've ungot it just when I thought I'd got it", he muttered. He reached down to pick it up again, but he could barely touch it now. "I doubt if I can get it now", he said out loud in frustration. His flatmate, Rob, heard Jake getting frustrated and came to see if he could help. "Thanks for coming to my aid Rob", said Jake, "I know you are the fount of wisdom on situations like this". Quickly Rob found he could mount some pliers to a couple of sticks and manoeuvre the contraption so that it gently grasped the pen, enabling it to be brought out from its dungeon. They gave each other a high five and Jake said "Let's have some of my donuts to celebrate - I knew I could count on you".

583 - ELUDE

Dr Foster went to GLoucEster

In a delUge of rain

He dodged a deep puddle

But his umbrella was unable

To quell the soaking he was getting

So from then on he would elude phone calls from Gloucester. 

582 - MATEY

Les ATE the baked beans until he was sated. As he was finishing his drink, he checked when the food was dated and was horrified to find the beans were 3 years out of date! He wondered what he was fated for and wished he had a partner who dates his food so this sort of thing didn't happen. Les was none the worse for his feared poisoning and so set about the rest of his day. He stepped into the gated field and was approached by an angry-looking bull. But Les was used to this and pretty soon got the bull and first cow to become best mates. Once he'd done that it was time for the rest of the herd until all of them were mated. He hated this job because he almost always got his foot stood on. "I hates this job, I hates this job, …", Les muttered to himself as he went off to get himself cleaned up. He checked his dough mixture but it hadn't risen very far, so food was going to be a while. He went outside and stared out across the scenery until a rambler came along and stopped to talk. She came back a few times over the next week by which time they had become quite matey. After his new acquaintance returned home they corresponded and within a year they were heading to the church to get married.

581 - BLURB

LauRence slUrped his hot cup of tea. His girlfriend was rather shocked and reprimanded Laurence. "If it's too hot, why not drink it through this curly straw - the extra length of tube will give you more cooling", she said. She went on - "In fact your whole lifestyle needs rethinking - stop being a churl and settle down to being a useful member of society". Laurence took this to heart and went into the publishing business where he found a niche as a writer of the blurb on book cover jackets.

579 - MUCKY (bonus)

A friend of mine offered me his words to see what story might come out.

Terry was good with words and knew how to put over ideas in attention-grabbing ways. He was often asked to write speeches as a ghostwriter for important people. His young nephew, Luke, hadn't quite understood Terry's occupation and, whilst having his dinner of tripe and onions one day, asked his Dad why his uncle was a ghoul. But as usual he wasn't looking for an answer but stuck to his usual habit which was to quaff his remaining milk and rush off to play outside where it was sunny. He was having great fun stomping in the muddy patch of the garden. Eventually he wore himself out and came in. His Dad stripped his mucky clothes off him and carried him up to the bath.

580 - ALTER

Hank was the town REALTor. He always wore a flashy suit, enjoyed his cigars and drove around in a giant Studebaker soft-top. He had the gift of the gab and persuaded many a buyer to purchase or rent homes they later came to regret. On one notorious occasion he took it on himself to alter the boundary of a property after the sale was agreed, enabling him to sell a bit of free land. One of these days his misdemeanours would find him out, but for now he was able to get away with it.

579 - MUCKY

Becoming a dUke meant that Reginald became a key figure in his duchy and had a direct line to the King. He expanded his wardrobe and enjoyed being made a fuss of as he toured his district and spent time in the royal courts. Then he got wind of the invention of the horseless carriage and Reginald made sure he was one of the first to acquire one. Usually his chauffeur drove the contraption, but one day Reginald insisted on doing the driving. He hadn't gone very far when he lost control and he was thrown out onto the verge. Neither the car nor Reginald came to much harm, but Reginald's fine clothes were very mucky and torn. Once he got home he went to sulk in his drawing room soothing his nerves with a glass of brandy.

578 - CHARD

James Bond was in A tight spot with his puRsuers close on his tail. With guile, agility and a remarkable accuracy with his hand-gun plus a staggering ability to dodge bullets he escaped and turned up at the hotel bar looking quite unphased! Within a second he turned on the charm in order to extract vital information from the spy. He took her to dine but she was surprised when James ordered potato, parsnip and chard. "I've been advised by my doctor to eat more vegetables and less rich foods", explained James.

577 - ADOPT

[In A previous episode: RuperT had wanted to escape what he felt was the Paucity Of his life but the strange combination of items in his F150 meant that he had generated an anti-gravity field and he'd landed on the moon. He'd enjoyed the journey but then felt a longing to be back on the earth.]

In his clumsy space suit Rupert tinkered with the eclectic collection of electronic gadgets and the green rock in his F150 and all of a sudden it lifted gently off the lunar surface. He was nervous, but excited and he was pleased when, after a while, the earth grew bigger. By the time he got to the earth's atmosphere he'd learnt enough about his anti-gravity machine to be able to adjust the speed so that he didn't burn up in the earth's atmosphere. The F15 pilot sent to intercept the strange object on the radar screens was bewildered by the sight of Rupert in his spacesuit in his F150 descending towards the ground. He escorted Rupert to near the ground where the military were waiting to question him. Rupert was just glad to be back on earth where he'd decided to adopt a more relaxed attitude to life.

APOLOGIES TO THOSE EXPECTING TO SEE THIS EPISODE SOONER, BUT THE HOLIDAY SCHEDULES PREVENTED IT BEING TRANSMITTED UNTIL NOW.

576 - FROCK

ROsamund considered herself superior to others. She would scorn people, especially when in a crowd. One day when walking in the village, with her nose in the air, she didn't spot the hole that had been dug by a brock. She went tumbling but wasn't badly harmed. When she stood up she found that her expensive broch had fallen off and her frock was covered in mud. It was such a strange sight to see her scrabbling around on the ground looking for her jewellery. A neighbour (who Rosamund had felt was particularly inferior) came over to help, found the broch and offered her a cuppa. Rosamund changed that day and became good friends with the neighbour. 

575 - SPIRE

ERic worked for the Mickleburgh shop in Bristol where he had delivered many PIanoS to people's homes. He and his colleagues had to deliver an upright piano to a house in Redcliffe. Whilst having a welcome cuppa after the piano was delivered, Eric enjoyed listening to the owner who knew a lot about the 800-year-old church nearby. "Did you know that Queen Elizabeth I described the church as 'The fairest, goodliest and most famous parish church in England.'", said the owner. "And did you know that the original spire was destroyed by lightning 400 years ago?", he continued, "so the current one is only half the age of the rest of the building".

574 - KOALA

The Yorkshire town was alL About cOal mining and had been Joseph's only home. One day he stumbled across a zonal map of the London Underground. He decided he'd had enough of his current surroundings and handed in his notice from his work as a coaly. He arrived in London and, after a few false starts, got used to the Underground. He was sipping his mocha in the Pumpkin café and studying the Underground map when he was surprised to find that there was a station called Mornington Crescent. He set off to go there, not knowing what he'd find. Once there he spotted signs to the London Zoo so he spent the rest of the day there. His favourite animal was the koala, so much so that the staff had to remind him about the closing time. He had learnt that they were an endangered species and so he made plans to move to Australia to assist with their conservation.

573 - HUMAN

The Red DwArf mining spaceship cruised through the Universe until a radiation leak occurred as a result of which Arnold Rimmer became an unman - a computer generated hologram. David Lister survives the radiation leak since he was in stasis at the time for punishment. But because of the leak he doesn't emerge until 3,000,000 years later, by which time all his plans for the future are impossible to achieve. He is the only human on board, although the cat he'd smuggled on board had evolved into a human-like being. David, Arnold and a robot called Kryton are left attending to minor tasks on the spaceship. [1990s BBC sitcom]

572 - LEAPT

Miranda was enjoying her smoothie and bAgEL aT breakfast time. But then she had a call from her brother who was all worked up about having lost the sale of his house yet again. For Miranda this was taking up far too much time. At last she was able to break into the call and terminate it, though it left her little time to finish off getting ready for the day. She ran out of the house and reached the bus stop just as the bus was pulling away. Unsure if she'd make it, she leapt onto the back. The handsome Luke had seen her plight and grabbed her with his strong arms, enabling her to land safely. Their eyes met and she didn't want him to let go. And so, Miranda and Luke lived happily ever after 😍💒😍. 

571 - SEDAN

Alfonso sEt off for the beach which was a couple of miles away. He looked very smart in his sepia coloured suit and Stetson. He climbed into his Tesla sedan and drove there, parking by a palm tree. Now it was time to show off to those around, especially the females! It was a shame about the sudden squall that hammered the beach and its occupants. Alfonso looked less impressive dripping water everywhere and clutching a torn hat!

570 - GRIMY

Jean-Robert the chef was In the kitchen working at a feverish pace. The sous-chefs were, as usual, terrified of him. J-R called out, to no one in particular, "Bring me the large wok". The most junior chef felt all eyes were on him and he grabbed the nearest wok without checking it, handing it to J-R. "I can't use that, you good-for-nothing, it's all grimy". The sous-chefs really looked forward to the times when J-R went on holiday!

569 - PIXIE

"Can I have onE of those scrumPtIous-looking fairy cakes please?", said Daisy. "I'm afraid there aren't too many of them, but you can have a piece of one", said Elspeth. "Oh, that was lovely", said Daisy, "can I have one of those over there - I can see lots of those." "Oh, you mean the pixie cakes, yes by all means, but beware of the after-effects." warned Elspeth. Thirty seconds after finishing the pixie cake, Daisy shrank to the size of a sugar lump and she had to find somewhere safe to hide until the effect of the cake wore off next morning.

568 - OPERA

It was all hectic on the stAgE getting Ready for the opening night. "No, no, no", said the theatre director to the main scenographer, "that's not what I asked for. The afore mentioned areas that are tricky to reach need proper artwork, not that rubbish!" He stormed off and the scenographer shrugged his shoulders. The scenographer sat down for a break to eat his bread and peanut butter. "It's always this tense before a new opera", he explained to his junior colleague, "but we always satisfy him in the end".

567 - LEMON

Sometimes one finds oneself buying the strangest combination of items in a local store. For example, it could be a bottle of aLE and a loose lemon.

566 - BELIE

LEonard was In a posh restaurant with some work colleagues. His host had chosen the food for them all. All was going well until one of his mouthfuls contained a whole chile pepper. His mouth was on fire, but his expression was one of calm and joviality. Somehow he was able to belie the distress he felt and he was thankful when the discomfort calmed down. His host had noticed the chile and was impressed at Leonard's handling of it. It contributed favourably in Leonard's favour in the business deal struck the next day.

565 - SLEEK

Lloyd had the opportunity to take the wheel of a prototype PoLEStar 6 at an electric car show (See image). "It's amazing how I can help make the planet greener whilst driving this sleek sports car", he said to the man from Polestar. "We aim to please", was the reply.

564 - LAYER

Anthony was LAmenting EveR Meeting Scarlet. He'd been at the amusement arcade playing with the laser whilst sipping his lager when Scarlet the lacer slipped her arm through his. Against his better judgement he'd followed her to the encampment where the communal dinner was being served. There was no running water so he had to wash his hands in a laver with rainwater in it. He took this to be a group of gypsy people, some of whom looked decidedly shifty. He was planning how he might escape when the crowd took off their layer of disguise and Anthony recognised all his mates! His birthday cake was produced and a happy evening ensued.

563 - ANTIC

Bill worked AT shifting goods iN the dockside. He was a titan of a man who was forever having to duck through doorways. His wife, Freda, was short. There was always something not right for her and it showed as someone who was quite antsy, hardly sitting still for more than two minutes. Their son, Jonny, was full of mischief, getting up to every known antic in the book (and then some). At present he was hampered somewhat by the bandage on his hand covering up the result of his experiment with gunpowder.

562 - SKIRT

TRevor IS well known for doing odd things. For example, last Thursday he was chatting away at the pub with his mates when, with a flick of his wrist, he pulled out his pet rat from inside his shirt. He reached inside his shirt again and produced a grist of grain which his pet rat started enjoying. When the landlord saw what was going on, he gave poor Trevor (and his pet) their matching orders, making it clear that Trevor wasn't welcome there in future. So from then on, when Trevor walked that way he had to skirt around the area, adding 3 minutes to his journey time.

561 - WHINE

KErmIt the dog lay on the rug in front of the log burner. The familiar chime of the mantlepiece clock further settled him into a sleepy state. But when his human being came in to the room he was wide awake with anticipation. He started to whine and wouldn't let up until he went out for a walk. There he could chase the ball, smell the surroundings, hunt for a stick to carry and make his human bend over with a small plastic bag.

560 - MANLY

LArry would baulk at the idea of visiting yet another furniture shop. But Ann was insistent, so Larry plonked himself on a settee and picked up a banal magazine. He was just about to put it to one side when an advert for a canal holiday caught his attention. Upon Ann's return, Larry said excitedly "Let's sally forth into the unknown on this holiday", he said to Ann, pointing out the advert. When Ann expressed her misgivings, Larry said to Ann "Don't dally, you bally wally!" The rest of the day went badly after this ill-judged retort, with Ann demanding the car keys and heading off on her own. On his way back home Larry popped into the local store and purchased a huge bunch of flowers to make it up to Ann. "Oh what a manly gesture", said Ann and she gave him a big hug.