618 - WORSE

ThE Rain poured down and the wind howled. Daniel was struggling with his torn coat. Time after time he had to repin it to try to keep it together. Beside the path mushrooms and toadstools shed their spore in the wind. Below him he could just see the shore. "I must concentrate on the path as I don't want to be blown into the gorse; or even worse, I don't want to be blown over the cliff", he thought to himself. He was relieved to make it back to his car for some shelter.

617 - SYRUP

Joshua returned home from a hectic day at the office. He was not well pleased to find a right old RumPUS going on with his kids. In an instant his wife, Linda, spotted the conflict and encouraged him to give them a hug which then released him to sprug up ready for the posh evening do. As he was kissing Linda goodbye, one of the kids had a mishap with the syrup and his pristine suit got messy. Quickly, Linda sponged him down and reassured him that by the time he arrived he would have dried out. At the end of the day, Joshua fell into bed and went straight to sleep.

616 - FIFTY

Thomas lIked reading but in a crowd of others his age he was quite shy and timid. Much against his better judgement he'd decided to play golf with his work colleagues. He was aiming to play a middling game so as not to be noticed. But his hole in one on the ninth shocked everyone, including Thomas. As a result, towards the end of the game he found himself amongst the leaders. He was spurred on to action to fight this to the end and came out the winner by one point. So Thomas was the toast of the social after the game during which time his prize of fifty pounds was presented to him.

615 - ARBOR

Constantine cAme in fRom his run and sat down on his chair in his den. It was time to service and repair his sonar equipment. An hour later his amour came in intent on expressing her ardor. But Constantine was too engrossed in his repairs so she sulked off and sat mournfully under the arbor in the garden. 

614 - VAGUE

At lunchtimE, Matt was awaiting his mache, cucumber, onion and tomato salad. When it arrived the chef had cleverly arranged the vegetables in the form of a badge with which Matt was delighted. As he was enjoying his meal he became aware of someone looking at him through a gauze window. Very suddenly he got up and came face to face with Hank who had been spying on him. "What do you mean by this?", demanded Matt. Hank made a vague explanation and left Matt alone to enjoy the rest of his salad. Hank wasn't on his best form that day!

613 - RIPER

Frances and Evelyn had five childrEN. Jake was a joker who found it difficult to be serious about anything. Paula was a poser of tricky puzzles that had everyone scratching their heads. Marvin was a miser whose bank account was bulging but who wasn't a content fellow. Charlemagne had a job as the town crier as she had a very potent voice. Mary was a muser who had little practical skills because she was so often deep in thought. One day the whole family had come together and were visiting the ruins of an old castle set beside a river. A horse rider drew up to them and explained that the palisade of the ruins would have been known as a rimer. They went to the café and a few of them had some apples which they declared to be vapid. The staff apologised and fetched them some riper apples to eat which were much tastier. 

612 - RUDDY

RUth worked in the traditional dairy. This morning her task was to churn the milk to make butter. Her mind was on other things and she was in too much of a hurry resulting in the butter being too runny. But Ruth was very resourceful and added some annatto to the mixture and made a feature of the resulting ruddy buttermilk which was a huge success with the visitors. Before the day was done she'd made quite a bit of money selling the buttermilk to support the dairy.

611 - SWEAT

In the AfTErnoon, the death of Ollie's pet rabbit, Alfie, brought a sombre tone to the household. After dinner the family went up onto the heath to bury Alfie. The next day the newspaper had a story about an unexplained spate of pet rabbit deaths so Ollie concluded that his Alfie was one of the victims. Ollie's Mum & Dad took him on a mystery treat outing to take his mind off his loss. They travelled in the car, but for the last mile Ollie had to wear a shade so that the destination was a surprise. When Ollie got out of the car and took off his shade he found he was at a heritage steam railway station. He had been booked to ride on the footplate as an apprentice fireman. He had to work hard and lots of sweat built up on his forehead. He was ecstatic about the experience and couldn't wait to tell his schoolmates about it next morning.

610 - KIOSK

Hank had set up his private detective agency called I-O-Spy in a drab part of New York. It wasn't the exciting life he'd imagined; yet again he found himself huddled under his raincoat and trilby walking the streets following his latest assignment. After a couple of blocks his target paused and started looking around. Quickly Hank went up to the cigarette kiosk and purchased a pack of 20. As he looked back he just caught sight of his target's leg disappearing into a doorway so he hurried to the spot following his trail. Later on, Hank was glad to get back to the office with his observations complete and where he could add the unopened pack of 20 to the other 75 that were already there (Hank didn't smoke!).

609 - AVAIL

The rain was LAshing down from the dark sky. There was a flash of lightning and a huge crash of thunder. In the distance, Frank could make out a light shining in a cottage. He ran as quickly as he could to the cottage and rang the bell. When the owner appeared, Frank asked if he could avail himself of the shelter until the storm had passed. He was made welcome with a cup of tea and some freshly baked scones and jam whilst he had a pleasant conversation with the owners and dried out in front of the Aga.

608 - CACHE

AlbErt was a petty criminal who had stolen some jewellery. He had to think of somewhere to hide it before the police came (their visits were somewhat predictable). At the back of the cupboard? No. On top of the wardrobe? No. Then he had a flash of inspiration and quickly took off the side of his PC and hid the cache of jewellery next to the cache of the PC reckoning that it was now well disguised. It was a shame he'd not thought to close the curtains first, as the Bobby was patiently watching what was going on in Albert's house!

607 - MAGIC

FrAncis planted another pansy on the outside of her wagon. All the décor made the wagon look very jazzy, though some folks shook their heads saying it was wacky. It was time to leave that town, so she hitched up her horses and set off. But when she was travelling at the gallop the wind and shaking around played havoc with the décor. So when she arrived at the next town there was a manic dash around the wagon to get it looking pristine again. That evening the town folk gathered round to see Francis's magic show. Seeing the Sheriff about to be sawn in half was a huge hit!

606 - SALSA

Wooster was LAzing around in his bath but when he had finished and was getting ready for the day, he realised he'd run out of his nasal spray. "Hey Jeeves", he said, "Will you sally forth into the bally shops and head to that wally Tommy and get me some nasal spray." Jeeves was getting a bit fed up doing these menial errands, so he left a brief note, picked up his valid passport and sadly headed to Dover. Three weeks later a rather scruffy Wooster was talking with his chums and telling them how badly Jeeves had behaved. Meanwhile, Jeeves had made his way to Miami where he had fallen madly in love with Florence who he'd met in the salon whilst eating his tortillas and salsa.

605 - SOUND

The OctOpUS would relax in the evening listening to Classic fm. One day he heard a lovely piece played on the piano so he thought he'd learn to play the piano. He discovered that he was a quick learner. He found he could play several notes with each tentacle allowing him to produce a much fuller sound. His recording of the Grieg piano concerto became the number 1 chosen piece on Classic fm.

604 - USAGE

Timothy wAs vEry careful with his spending, taking great care with his budgeting. So imagine the shame he felt upon receiving a letter from his bank informing him that he'd become overdrawn (and charging him £25 to tell him so). That day he felt very sorry for himself and in the evening went through all his bills and purchases. The water bill was fine, so was the Internet and gas but the shock came when looking at his electricity usage. "It must be the pottery oven I've started using", he said to himself, "I'll have to be careful how often I use it from now on".

603 - GIANT

Sensational Discovery Leads to Mystery

By our Mystery correspondent, Abe Golan

Last year the archAeologIst Carlos Friedman had come across some animal remains in a field in Buckinghamshire. One bone really puzzled him and lead to months of research work. Eventually his studies brought him to the conclusion that this was the tibia of a giant panda. But that then produced an even greater puzzle as to why it should be there and why alone. Can anyone shed any light on the story behind this find? If so please write to our mystery correspondent.

602 - DEBUG

Even as Henri was standing in the bUs queue, he had begun to debug the spreadsheet that had left him frustrated last night.

601 - HEADY

Alvin hung his hEad in shame. He'd woken up dressed in this vibrant peach suit that was totally unfamiliar to him. "I remember going to the beach for a beer or two; I think I was wearing my shorts and Hawaiian shirt. But it must have transitioned to a heavy drinking session", he thought. "I must have drunk something really heady", he moaned as his head throbbed. "But what I don't understand is where this suit came from. Maybe I'll never know" he said out loud, as he fixed himself a strong coffee.

600 - STAGE (X)

"This Seitan meAT is madE from wheat and is a cheat on chunks of chicken", said Kylie the judge, "I'll make dinner with it". As usual, whilst dinner was being prepared, Kevin and the cat would tease each other with mock attacks. Using his stave helped Kevin do this without getting off his seat. Kylie popped her head in the door and exclaimed "What a fine state this room is in! Clear it up otherwise I'll use my gavel on your head", she joked to Kevin. Kevin sighed, took the cat outside and was about to tie it up to the stake in the garden when he checked himself (he'd not got used to having a cat instead of a dog for a pet yet). He tidied up the lounge and the stage was all set for their vegetarian meal.

599 - FLAIL

Justin, the journalist, found that his latest under-cover assignment made a LAstIng impression on him. When he saw the advert he was very suspicious - "Is this valid - an opportunity to make a coffee table with an inlay with materials and accommodation included all for £100? I'd better check out this claim as it might be bogus". On checking it out it turned out to be a slave labour scam with the scammed people forced to flail wheat for 16 hours a day. The accommodation turned out to be hay bails in the barn loft and the coffee table turned out to be a cheap plastic toy that took 5 minutes to assemble. Once Justin had obtained the evidence he was collecting he used his hidden mobile to inform the police so that he and the other slaves could be rescued and the slave masters apprehended. 

598 - APPLE

ApriL wAs thE month to clean it so that it's gleam would be noticed. He was very proud of his medal that he got for his long-distance pedal on his monocycle. Once he'd finished, he sat back in his armchair and took a big bite from his apple whilst he admired his handiwork. He was very chuffed when his carer noticed it as soon as she came in and then wanted to hear the story behind the medal.

597 - NINTH

"I don't ThInk we should buy this car", said Wilma to Fred. "The doors feel very tinny compared to the solid ones of our last car. I don't think it will last". "Oh nonsense", retorted Fred, "look, this one even has places to put torches in so that we'll be able to drive at night." They did the deal and Fred was delighted to drive them away in their new acquisition. But before they'd reached the end of the ninth block, the doors fell off and the seats collapsed. "Oh dear", said Fred, "I should have listened to you Wilma" as they made their way home on foot, worse off than when they left.

596 - DANCE

ArchiE was eating his mache salad whilst trying to gauge whether or not to boost the cache on his computer. He was also wondering if it were the best thing to do to waive the penalty for his employee who was late yet again. After work he went to play billiards. At one point he had a particularly nasty snooker to get out of and decided to attempt a masse shot which worked spectacularly, resulting in him potting the blue. Everyone watching applauded and someone hurriedly made him a badge. When he got home he was full of himself and gave a victory dance in front of his wife. "If you've got spare energy for dancing you can put out the garbage", she quipped.

595 - UNLIT

In the faLTering lIght, Teresa hUrridely worked at making her next quilt. Finally it was done and she hurried off to her customer to hand it over. She put the money in her handbag and set off home. By now it was quite dark and she made slow progress through the unlit streets. Rounding a corner she came across two fearsome looking fellas who approached her, intent on harm. Fortunately at that moment a bear emerged (with whom Teresa was quite friendly) and now it was time for the fellas to be scared. They ran off, nursing their claw marks, whilst Teresa and the bear had a pleasant walk back to her place.

594 - TASTY

Finley donned his hAT and went to meet his friend, Oscar, for lunch in the rather strange town they lived in. They considered a tapas bar, but didn't feel adventurous enough. Oscar was excited to tell Finley about what he'd spotted in town yesterday. "I saw this monkey which had no proper tail. I did a Google on it and it turned out to be a Barbary ape, also known as a magot". Turning the corner they spotted someone cleaning the street outside their shop using a very old-fashioned broom made from a branch with a fagot tied to the end. "That can't be all that efficient", said Finley. A bit further on Oscar exclaimed "What saith thee to a pasty for lunch" (his speech was somewhat archaic at times!). "That sounds very tasty", said Finley. So they popped into Rowe's Bakers shop and bought a pasty and can of coke each.

593 - SHIRK

Liam worked foR a West Country company called CIty Jump that overSaw the deployment of EV charging points. One day Liam informed his boss that he was going to take a break from his work and travel round Europe. All his colleagues were convinced he was trying to shirk his responsibilities, leaving them in the lurch. But when he returned after 2 months he came back with some brilliant ideas about EV charging deployment. His boss was most impressed and gave him a pay rise.

592 - SCOLD

ELizabeth gOt Some inspiration from Ross's Facebook post she'd seen about some crow gathering around his house (see yesterday's yarn 591 - CROSS). She too had noticed them by her doors when she went to slosh the cold washing-up water onto the garden. She looked at the crows with a scowl and they'd all taken flight. She replied to the FB post (#lotsofcrows) which quite quickly became viral. Sneakily Elizabeth had found a way to monetize her response and so the £ were rolling in. When her sister got wind of what was happening she was round Elizabeth's house in a shot to scold her for being greedy. Elizabeth felt chastised and switched off the monetization and anonymously sent the £ she'd collected to the RSPB.

591 - CROSS

ROSs was surprised one morning when all of the doors in his house had half a dozen or more crows gathered around them. "That's unusual", he thought to himself, "crows are normally solitary". He started thinking about the old horror film "The Birds" and started to get fearful. "Oh, come on, pull yourself together", he said out loud and went back to what he'd planned to do which was to put the dross from his garage into the skip. At the first creak of the door the crows departed! "That must have been a gross or two of crows - I'll put up a post on Facebook to see if anyone else has noticed this." He drove into town and was almost knocked over when he went to cross the road. "I reckon cars are more dangerous than birds", he mused.