1168 - KNAVE

JonAthan Swift was a satirist and writEr born in November 1667. Probably his most well known work is "Gulliver's Travels". In part II of the book he arrives in Brobdingnag where he is much smaller than the residents. To quote: "The People who had often heard of me, were very curious to croud about the Sedan, and the Girl was complaiſant enough to make the Bearers ſtop, and to take me in her Hand that I might be conveniently ſeen." An anime artist had read Gulliver's Travels and wondered if it would make suitable material for one of his films. But he never pursued the idea very far and it was eventually dropped. He was having a blank creative spell and to help make ends meet, took on a project to design a new deck of playing cards where most of the work was spent on designing the king, queen and knave.

Gulliver and the Girl

1167 - FLUNK

BiLly and his brother Tommy were playing in the garden with their slings. They'd discovered that the holly berries made good pellets for each sling - enough to know when your opponent was hit without actually hurting him badly! One time when Billy tried to dodge one of Tommy's shots, he stepped back and heard a noticeable clunk sound as his foot landed on a corrugated metal sheet. Tommy came over to see what Billy had found. "Should we lift it up to see what's underneath?", he said. They couldn't be sure what to do. Would they get in trouble, would there be something scary underneath, might they get stung? In the end they decided to flunk it and just get on with their game.

Billy taking a shot

1166 - LITHE

An athLeTE normally has to be lithe.

A triumphant athelete

1165 - CROWN

Mandy was fuRious as she attempted to sit outside her front door. "Where's that noisy racket coming from?", she said. Her daughter Mir replied "It's coming from that brown car across the street". Mandy strode over to another brown car. She banged on the driver's window but didn't notice when the window was lowered that the music was quiet croon type singing. It was too late - by the time she realised the mistake the driver was nursing a bruise on the crown of his head and looking very puzzled. The other brown car drove off taking the noisy racket elsewhere. Mandy was so ashamed and was lavishing care and gifts on the innocent car driver. Mir just held her head in her hands in shame!

The innocent assaulted driver

1164 - STAKE

Benny hAd been convicTEd of a spate of thefts. Alan had been assigned to teach Benny about respect for other people's property, though he wasn't that hopeful of amending Benny's ways. The morning consisted of lectures on the psychological damage to subjects of crime, but Benny looked half asleep during the lectures. They had a meaty meal together and talked about football and music. In the afternoon Alan started teaching Benny to read music which grabbed Benny's attention. He learned about the different types of stave and how to represent different tones on it. After a few weeks, Alan and Benny were getting on really well and Alan was almost at the point where he could stake his reputation on having transformed Benny's thieving behaviour. After 2 years of Benny staying on the right side of the law and becoming a proficient musician Alan could at last feel a little pride in a job well done.

Alan starting Benny off on learning to read music

1163 - SKATE

MATthEw loved whizzing about the pavements on his cycle. But after a spate of accidents he wondered if he should switch modes of transport. So the next day you could see him on his skate board causing people to jump out of the way. But it made no difference and the accidents kept coming!

1162 - FILET

Lenny and Gary were clandesTinE smugglers who brought in cheap brandy from France to Cornwall. It was a risky business, what with the coastguard keeping an eagle eye open for what they knew was happening. Tonight was an excellent night for Lenny and Gary as the sleet kept everyone indoors and the visibility low. They eased their boat into tonight's inlet and quickly unloaded their cargo. Then they headed to the local inn for a fine meal of filet of steak with, of course, brandy to drink as they dried out by the fire.

Lenny and Garry have an inn signe now!

1161 - LEECH

LEah had lost her necklace somewhere on the way home. Since it was dark she got her torch out and shone it to show where she was going. She was just about to give up when a glint from the ground drew her attention and there it was! With great relief she ran back home and shut the door. But then she caught sight of something on her ankle - she couldn't believe it but it was true - she had picked up a leech. "Urgh", she gasped and grabbed the salt shaker to sprinkle on the leech to make it let go. She had to draw the line at being kind to animals when it came to the leech and so it was thoroughly dispatched and put in the trash.

Leah's leech

1160 - BRUTE

Ryan had had enough of being misTER nice-guy. From then on he vowed to always have a stern expression. A lot of the time he succeeded in carrying off his new image, but it was hard to shift his past. Then one day he hit on a way of enhancing his new image. He spent over £40,000 buying a top-of-the-range Harley Davidson Trike motorcycle plus all the gear to fit. Once out on the road he certainly looked like the brute he hoped to be known as. But on his first ride he spotted some youths bullying a younger lad and he stopped to rescue the young lad. The others just melted away at his approach. He gave the young lad a ride home on his pillion.

2024 Tri Glide™ Ultra

1159 - MULCH

Leonard was a keen gardener. But to his dismay much of the crop in a particular area of his garden had started to spoil. There was nothing for it but to dig it all up. As he was digging his spade hit something with a clunk. He investigated and found a leaky tin of weed killer buried in the ground. No wonder his crop had failed. He dug out lots of soil, hoping to clear the contamination. Then he put in some fresh soil, planted a crop suitable for the season and applied a good helping of mulch to keep it moist and feed it. Later on he was delighted to harvest an abundant crop.

The contaminated patch

1158 - DELAY

Life hAd bEen difficult for Kieran and now he found himself a slave with negligible rights. He was set to work in the carpenter shed, but was given few instructions. The plane was blunt but there seemed to be no sharpening stone there. He improvised with bits of shale he found and at last was able to make a pretty descent job of smoothing the wood he'd been given to work with. Lunchtime was short but Kieran was able to sit in a shady glade to eat the food that was brought to him. By keeping the blade of the plane sharpened he produced a lovely piece of furniture at just the right scale. His owner was very impressed, not only with Kieran's skill but his courteous manner. He felt he could trust him to deliver the furniture to the nearby penal colony, figuring he would be unlikely to try to escape there! His owner did get anxious when there was a delay before Kieran's return, but it transpired that there had been an emergency at the colony and everything was taking longer to process.

Kieran at work

1157 - METER

ThE Right Reverend was in his preparation room. He caught sight of his miter on the shelf. Oh how he longed for an occasion to use it. But since the parishioners had started bringing their pet dogs to the services, the services had become less formal and he'd had to adapt. On a couple of occasions one parishioner even brought their pet otter. He hoped that it was a fad that would peter out one day, but there were no signs of that yet. As the parishioners were arriving today he heard a heavy stomp and peering out of his room he was astonished to see a carthorse being led in. On occasions like this he needed fresh inspiration for his sermon and the only way he knew for that was to squeeze into the meter cupboard - somehow inspiration would always come. Indeed today was no exception and his homily was both attention grabbing and inspirational.

The service went really well

1156 - LANKY

Young LArry was having a good laugh as he honed his skills with his lasso. Although he was enjoying himself, his next-door-neighbour, Amber, was giggling at the lanky Larry who looked so ungainly.

Larry practicing

1155 - STORM

Adem is a TuRkish fisherman who enjoyed eating the occasional trout, but his prey was other fish. Most days he pulled away in his boat from the strip of land that jutted out into the lake where he lived. He loved animals, feeding the village stray cats when he had some fish he couldn't give away or sell. One day a stork, who had migrated back from Africa, landed on his boat as he was fishing and of course Adem fed the stork. Adem and Yaren, the stork, became celebrities. There was even an award-winning film made of their ongoing relationship and a webcam was set up so that enthusiasts could monitor Yaren's progress. Each year Yaren would return and one year there was great excitement when Yaren brought his mate. They raised some chicks. Yaren is a good father and shelters the chicks whenever there is a storm. You can watch the film here
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and read the Wikipedia article about Adem and Yaren here (Yaren (stork)).

Adem and Yaren

1154 - BRACE

DAniel and MEgan weRe working in different places in the house that morning. Daniel was in his shed where his whittling knife had just fallen on the floor out of reach. He was furious. Eventually he retrieved his knife and proceeded to strip the bark off some willow stalks. Once he had pared each one he went back into the house, still fuming at the waste of time. He was just in time to observe Megan as she raged up and down. "Whatever is the matter?", said Daniel. "I was just hanging this last drape when it slipped out of my hands and landed in the whipped cream I'd put out for lunch. So now the drape will take up more than its fair share of the next wash and we have little cream for our lunch.", replied Megan. "Look, I'm not in a good mood either", admitted Daniel, "let's leave our woes behind and visit the arena to watch the athletes and see if that will help us to erase the traumas of the morning." On the way they bought a box of grapes to graze on. So they ate them, one grape at a time, as they watched the athletes. They went wild with excitement as two local athletes won a brace of medals in the last race of the day.

The athletics arena

1153 - ACORN

AaRon was a terrible one for playing a prank on folk. One day he was in Michael's car when he caused his phone to play a ghostly scary noise really loudly through the car's stereo. Sadly this was too much of a distraction for Michael who then proceeded to prang his car into the safety barrier. Aaron was mortified and insisted on paying for Michael's insurance excesses. After that he vowed to stop being a prankster. To help him keep to his vow he planted an acorn in his garden and whenever he saw the tree that grew from it, he remembered his vow.

Michael's car after the crash

1152 - SHORE

ChristophER was an eccentric scientist who was obsessed with a big project. Occasionally his brother would pay him a visit, but as soon as Christopher started talking, his brother would fall into a deep sleep, inevitably producing the odd snore. Christopher's project involved growing some mushrooms in the airing cupboard with the aim of capturing every spore that one mushroom produced. So far two mushrooms had produced their spores but Christopher wasn't ready to harvest them. He was so determined to catch the third mushroom producing its spores that he swore an oath on his great grandfather's tombstone that he would not sleep until he had achieved his aim. By the third day Christopher was desperate for sleep, but he persisted and at last was able witness the moment when the third mushroom ejected its spores and he was able to capture them all. He slept for two days after that, but was then went back to the task. The next job was to keep a score of how many of the single-celled spores he could count. This proved very tricky and he had many false starts. After one failed attempt he decided to treat himself to a hot chocolate on which he put some whipped cream that his brother provides every week when he whips up some cream he buys in the local market. This seemed to do the trick because the next time he did his count he was confident that he'd got it right - 15,428,175,423 in all! It was time for a break, so he put his wet-suit and paddle board equipment into his SUV and headed to the shore to forget about his project and enjoy the sea.

At last the third mushroom produced its spores

1151 - NEIGH

LaurEn found herself in the stables. But something was amiss. There was usually some sort of noise or other, whether it should be raking out, the rustle of harnesses or just the breathing of the horses. But there was nothing. Lauren was really worried by now. Oh, to hear the neigh of a horse, that would alleviate her alarm, but no. Instead she heard an evil laugh from somewhere out of sight. "All gone to the knackers yard", it said before the evil laugh again. Lauren screamed and sat up in a sweat. It had been a nightmare! But she was up and out to check the stables as soon as possible in the morning; all her horse friends were there munching their morning feed.

Nightmare empty stables

1150 - SKIFF

Pious Brother Paul was just returning from his latest adventure on the playground swing (see 844 - SKUNK) when he came across Gregory, the Abbot. Gregory was reluctant to explain where he was off to until Brother Paul confessed his secret goes on the playground swings. "Well actually I too have a secret escape; I have a little skiff hidden down here that I take out on the water whenever I can", revealed Gregory. "Why don't you come with me for some company today, now that you know." So Brother Paul had a double dose of excitement that day.

Abbot Gregory sneaking off to his secret skiff

1149 - SCONE

Eric was having difficulty getting back to sleep on this sultry night. Now he had the noise of the birdsong as dawn approached to add to his woes. Eventually the sun came up and shone in full splendour, brightening up Eric's room and making it impossible to get back to sleep. So Eric got up and found his way to the kitchen. The bread maker hadn't finished yet so all he could find to eat was a scone with jam and cream.

The Cornish way to do scones, jam and cream

1148 - MEDIC

Carlos was all prEpared for his hospital procedure. He was on his trolley in the anaesthetic room when, rather belatedly, a trolley of medical instruments was wheeled through into the operating theatre next door. To Carlos's alarm he spotted some alarming instruments on the trolley. "Aargh - those instruments look like they make a lot of noise; will they use those on me?", he asked in dismay. But at that point the anaesthetic medic emptied his syringe and within seconds Carlos was unaware of anything until meeting a care assistant in the recovery room. He never got an answer to his question!

Padgett-Hood Dermatome

1147 - OUNCE

WhEn the noise of the day had ceased, every gnome in the leafy street gardens would gingerly make their way to a common meeting place (different every night). Most nights the conversation would be dull, but tonight gnome 23 had something to say. "These humans can be so careless. I don't think they have an ounce of awareness of what they are up to. One of them knocked off part of my hat today and never stopped to make amends. So now I have to put up with this distorted part-red / part white hat; it looks hideous". There were murmurs of sympathy all round. There was a long pause before the usual dull conversation resumed until they parted company to return to their gardens.

Gnome 23 before the accident

1146 - SAUCY

Andrew was decorating the walls in his room. His mother came in. "What are you doing? That colour is awful - it's neither subtle nor bright - it's just washy." Just then an insect flew in through the window; Andrew's mum never liked insects at the best of times, but this one, with its waspy shape, freaked her out and she couldn't get out of the room quick enough! A bit later, one of the neighbours was walking her yappy dog which so irritated Andrew; he was glad when they turned the corner and the sound faded. After a while the smell of paint got to Andrew and he grabbed his sandwiches and popped his head out of the window for some fresh air full of sappy plant smells, sweet pollen and a faint smell of the distant sea. He ate his banana sandwich, which was quite mashy by now, followed by his bacon and saucy tomato sandwich. Looking back at the room afterwards he realised there was not much left to do, so he set to with renewed vigour to finish off the job.

The yappy dog that so annoyed Andrew

1145 - MACAW

GAbriel entered the diner and staggered to a table. "What have you been doing - you're all washy; there's no color in your face", said the waitress. "I tried hitching a ride from the last town but nobody stopped, so I had to walk all the way", replied Gabriel. "But that's 30 miles, and in this heat. No wonder you're so pale. Right - one G.O.A.T. breakfast coming your way and as much to drink as you like, on the house", said the waitress. The diner had a pet macaw that would visit each table and make "conversation" with the guests, often being rewarded with bits of food. He came up to the exhausted and famished Gabriel, but despite the quantity of food on the plate, the parrot finished up with nothing!

The macaw at the diner

1144 - ANVIL

There was an obscure country with a strange custom. When a judge retired he had the opportunity before he Left office to repeAl an old law that was no longer relevant. Judge Gordon had reached retirement age and was wrestling with his special task; he had several to choose from. He went down to the riverbank and dangled his feet in the water whilst he pondered what to do. A shoal of fish came up to investigate which was a pleasant distraction for Judge Gordon. But back to the task - which law should he annul? Reason had failed to make a choice for him so he decided to use a random method instead. Anyone watching would not have understood as Judge Gordon wrote the shortlist law numbers on a piece of wood which he placed on his anvil. He picked up his axe, spun round three times and chopped the wood. Where the axe had chopped showed which law to annul!

Judge Gordon used his anvil for chopping kindling usually

1143 - ENSUE

If childrEn are playing in their room and there is a sudden increase in noise, you had better investigate the scene otherwise mayhem may ensue.

Mayhem in the children's room

1142 - LOWER

We know a Lot about what JEsus did when he walked on the eaRth, though we don't know everything, as the last verse in the book of John tells us. Bodie Thoene imagined such an event in one of her books. This yarn is borrowed from that book via my faded memory. In the time of Jesus if you caught the disease leprosy you could initially expect the life of a loner. But if you could travel you could join a leper colony where others affected by leprosy could live and have some sort of life together. Entering such a place though must have seemed like you'd been handed a sentence of a lifer. Relatives and friends of the occupants might come come to the top of the cliffs overlooking the colony to bring food and other provisions. They could then put them in a basket, operate a lever and lower them down to the colony. Imagine the scene in such a place if Jesus visited and everyone affected by leprosy were healed. Whilst this is a made-up story, it is in keeping with the gospel accounts of Jesus' ministry (such as Matthew 14 v 36).

Jesus healing all those in the colony

1141 - SCALE

Geoffrey (see yesterday's yarn 1140 - FLAKE) had enjoyed opening the LAyErs of the samples he'd brought back, finding several small fossils. But he had to write his report for the exploration company regarding the commercial value of the find. This is the part of his job he least liked. He wasn't fond of the idea of the setting he'd visited being invaded by vehicles, machinery and pipelines. He looked up at his poster of a giant eland for inspiration. Turning back to his computer he started typing a mealy-mouthed report listing as many disadvantages as well as advantages of the shale find in the hope they would notice the disadvantages and scale back their ambitions for the site.

A Giant Eland

1140 - FLAKE

Geoffrey the geoLogist wAs sitting at his laboratory dEsk doing humdrum report writing. "There's a call for you", said one of his colleagues. Geoffrey was somewhat excited at the end of the call and let on that he'd been called to investigate a new rock formation in an unexpected location. Hurriedly he packed for his expedition and was taken to the location by a very hairy route involving horseback and canoe. When he got there he was quick to pronounce the find as shale rock. "You see here", he said to the expedition leader, "the scale of these pieces is less than a centimetre and all the bits of the rock to lie in an almost perfect plane". He took various samples to examine further but he dreaded the return journey. But as it happened they had arranged for a helicopter to land on a small glade near the site so Geoffrey and his samples could return a lot more comfortably. But even then, Geoffrey hoped the pilot knew what he was doing as the location was very narrow and it looked like each blade of the helicopter was inches away from the cliffs. But at last it ascended out of the dingy deep hollow and was on its way back to the airport. Back in the laboratory, Geoffrey spent some time taking apart bigger pieces into a flake at a time to reveal any fossils.

Shale

1139 - CHALK

The LocAl newspaper had startled the town with a piece about a "significant discovery" of some prehistoric cave paintings in the town. The paintings showed people and animals and included a deer hunt with the poor beast eventually getting slain. An enterprising young man, Ryan, had set up a tour system (for which there was a charge of course) and people flocked from the town and further afield. One of the visitors was an archaeologist who examined the drawings carefully. After close inspection he stood back and laughed. Those on the tour stopped in their tracks waiting for the archaeologist. "This is no cave art", he pronounced, "these drawings have been made using modern chalk!" The tour group grabbed Ryan demanding their money back. Ryan (who was the artist by the way) had to lay low for a couple of months.

Banksy hoax caveman art

1138 - PENNE

John Duns Scotus was born in 1265 or 1266 nEar Duns Castle in Scotland to a leading family of the area. His birth would have involved the usual noise and mess that any birth involves. When he grew up he became a friar who was a great thinker, philosopher and theologian coming up with the concepts of the "univocity of being", a way of distinguishing between different formalities of the same thing, and the idea of haecceity. He also developed a complex argument for the existence of God. A couple of hundred years after his death, his critics. who were pushing Renaissance thinking, dubbed any of his followers as a dunce a term which, rather unfairly, has come to mean a stupid person. John carried out his studying and lecturing in many a venue including Oxford, Paris and Cologne. Gladys was rather drawn to John and often watched him over the boundary fence. She paid a few pence to buy him some food and make him a meal of penne with creamy mushrooms. But her advances on John were all wasted as John was true to his bachelor calling.

Portrait of John Duns Scotus by Justus van Gent, c. 1476-1478